Live Poker and the Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off

One would assume that, in a game as serious as poker, players would bring their “A” game to the table all the time and know the “do’s” and “don’ts” of participating in a live game.   Yet it is amazing to me the amount of people who really let manners fly out the window as if they’re playing in their own little home game.  Here are the top ten habits that annoy me about being out playing live poker.

1)       Not tipping dealers – These are service people, just like any waiter or waitress, and they make their money from YOU.  They don’t live on their $8 an hour paychecks; they rely on players to show graciousness through tipping.  People aren’t so bad about it during cash games ($1 per pot scooped is fair, although some like to be more generous on larger pots), but as far as poker tournaments go, if you cash, you need to tip.  A fair dealer tip is 5%, but if you’re the winner of a tournament, I personally believe it should be more.

2)      Eating at the table – There are breaks for a reason.  And if, by chance, you MUST eat during a long poker tournament, think please about your food selection.  People who order extremely fragrant, or better yet, greasy food…well they’re doing the rest of us who are trying to concentrate and play with clean cards and chips a great disservice.  It’s not the time for chicken wings, people.  Think.

3)      Discussing hands – Giving away information is really obnoxious.  When a flop comes a certain way and you sigh disgustingly or look pissed, then we know you had a piece of it.  Stop doing that.  Also, even more annoying than info-givers are what I call the “all-in ruiners” who see you flip over your Ace King against someone else’s QQ and say something to the effect of “oh I folded an ace.”  Shut up!!!  I don’t want to know that, please just let it play out.  I really would rather be under the impression that all of my outs might still be available.  Don’t crush my dreams.

4)      Unsportsmanlike conduct – it doesn’t matter how big of a donkey someone is, or how bad of a call (in your opinion) an opponent makes…belittling another player or name-calling, or throwing a Phil Hellmuth-like tantrum is just immature and shows how unprofessional you really are.  I know as much as the next person that a bad beat sucks and that things “might have” gone differently but you have to remember that it’s just the way the cards fell.  If you made the right move and got it in with the best, that is all you can ask for.

5)      People (in cash games) who have their girlfriend/boyfriend/friend pull up a chair next to them – Look, poker is a game of concentration and an extra person squeezed in is inconvenient for everyone.  Last I checked, they weren’t designing extra large, luxurious poker tables that had room for a player plus one guest.  So you’re cramming others in, and you’re being social instead of focusing on the game.  Please either play poker, or go have a fun social time with your other half.

6)      Hygiene – Yes, I’m going to go there.  Deodorant was invented for a reason and so were showers.  On the flip side, cologne and perfume were designed to give you a hint of fragrance, so please stop applying it in mass quantity when you’re going to be sitting in close quarters with other people.

7)      Not paying attention to the action – Having to be told “it’s on you” multiple times or when you continually ask “how much is it?” means that you don’t have your head in the game.  Get it there.   IPod listeners are usually huge culprits of this as well – if your music is so loud that I have to listen to it against my will, then you can’t possibly hear anything that is going on either.

8)      Calling “clock” on players – I understand that blinds go up.  But never in all the years that I’ve played poker has someone taken SO long making a decision that I felt compelled to hurry them up.  Especially in poker tournaments, a decision can be making or breaking, so people deserve time to think about the play.  Don’t hassle them.  If they’re taking an eon every time, then that is obviously a different matter.

9)      Talking on the phone – Most poker tournaments don’t allow this (thank god) but cash games do and I think it should be outlawed.  Again it’s the close quarters thing.  While other players are concentrating, you are yapping in their ears about whatever the topic may be, when you really could have just told your caller that you’re in the middle of playing poker OR better yet, leave the table for a few minutes to take the call.

10)   Poker coaches – why is it at every table there is the person who knows how to play better than every other person?  They tell you how you should have done it, why they shouldn’t have folded their hand because they would have hit (results oriented), feel the need to brag about anything they’ve ever done related to poker, and just literally have a comment for everything that happens on the table.   Listen pal, there is a reason you’re sitting there playing $1/$2 No Limit with the rest of us – you haven’t “made” it yet either.   We’re playing a game we enjoy, one we’re trying to make money at.  We are not at a private lesson from you, nor do we believe you’d seriously be sitting here at these stakes if you were as awesome as you say you are.  Just play!